Business Opportunity

I’m going to start a new business: Penitence, Inc. I’ll hire a PR lady, hopefully a hot, promiscuous one. My product will be simple: apologies for stupid remarks made in public by famous people. I won’t even have to work after its set up. It will all be done by automated phone systems.

If I were up and running a recent transaction would have gone like this.

Phone Voice: Thank you for calling Penitence, Inc., providing the finest in public contrition. Please respond to the following questions and respond with the answer best suited to your situation.

Caller, are you the person that made the offending comments? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Caller presses 1

Thank you. Are you a relative or a professional representative of the offending person? If related, press 1. If an agent, press 2.

Caller presses 2

Thank you. Now I need to learn a little about the person who made the offending comments. Please select from the following list the profession that best suits your client’s work. 1: A politician. 2: An Actor. 3: A singer. 4: An athlete. 5: A newspaper columnist. ...

Caller presses 4

Thank you. Is your client a professional athlete, college athlete, retired pro athlete. Press 1 for pro. Press 2 for college. Press 3 for retired.

Caller presses 3

What sport does you’re client play. Press 1 for baseball. Press 2 for basketball. Press...

Caller presses 2

Please remember that the more personal data you provide the better we are able to serve you.
What race is your client? Press 1 for Asian. Press 2 for Caucasian. Press 3 for African-American. Press 4 for Frenchman.

Caller presses 3

Did your client offend a single person or a group of people? Press 1 for single person. Press 2 for group.

Caller presses 2

Please select the from the following list of offended groups. 1: Current basketball players. 2: Past basketball players. 3: The NBA. 4: White people. 5: Asian people. 6: Frenchmen. 7: Homosexuals. 8: Other sportsman. 9:...

Caller presses 7

Thank you. Please wait while wee generate a response.... Please have your pen or tape recorder ready... Your client should say the following:

Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake.